he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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