im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
