i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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