i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
