whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
