So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
