Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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