Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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