It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize