I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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