Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
