just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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