If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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