I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
