You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
