I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
