Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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