i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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