you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
