fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
