I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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