at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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