After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
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