Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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