i jhust puked up my retainher.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
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