drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
