Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
