I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize