my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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