Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
