Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
This couple is walking their pig around campus
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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