Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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