I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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