mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
