Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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