I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
