in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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