I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
It's official drugs can't kill me
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
