She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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