I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
