my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
