I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
