I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
