I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
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