After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
COCAINE IS GR8
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