you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
