just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
