she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
