I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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