she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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