I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
