just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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