i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
