nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
