I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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