drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
