Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
