sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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